I crave intimate socializing. And I’m surprised that I do.
Tonight will be the first evening where I will not be spending my time with one or two other people but alone. And for some reason my natural instinct is to seek out someone to spend time with. Though the parameters are specific, only one person at a time and someone that I feel less restrained with.
I’m just so surprised that I don’t feel a comfort or even a need to be on my own. Am I becoming dependent?
One thing that I have noticed is that at the very least, I’m seeking something new to refresh me. Something different to get my juices flowing again. I’m not sure if I’m expecting that from the person (considering my group is small and tight-knit, what could I possibly learn tonight that I don’t already know) or the fact that I just want to pull myself out to get something different to eat. Sometimes it’s really just about the food. Maybe this is the return of a craving even?
Cravings and the lack thereof aside, it isn’t as if I haven’t dined by myself before though usually at more casual places than not. So why doesn’t that appeal right now? Could I really want to feed off of someone else’s energy?
It feels like I’ve become less apt at being single. Not in the way of chasing down boyfriends of the week but in being content with spending time by myself. Is it a product of getting used to spending so much time with someone else or the result of a loss of self? Sometimes those two seem to go hand in hand.
&nsbp;
Head: Other Event Planning and meandering
Heart: None
Tummy: Spoonful orange marzipan yogurt, white nectarine, handful blueberries, 2 pieces of fried chicken, many bites of Kraft Dinner, and a few strands of spinach
Vitals: Bad
Filed under: nefarious plans, the usual | Tags: energy, event, excitement, exhausted
It’s amazing… this thing called mind over matter. How surprising its effectiveness actually is. Just minutes ago I was ready to type out a missive about my lack of energy but now I’m spurned on. Not by a burst of energy per se but more like the build-up of excitement.
One singular positive chat on the phone can lead to so much, just so so so much and I’m burning with excitement. Tomorrow isn’t just another day, but potentially THE day. Maybe. Perhaps.
So then I wonder, could tiredness just be another form of procrastination? Is it easier to be tired than to perform for yourself the things you need and ought to do? Is tiredness an escape of its own form? Maybe when you tell your friends you’re too tired to go out, you’re really just wary of the company. Maybe when I’m too tired to do something else it’s the perfect reason to veg out in front of the television and ignore the real world. Maybe. Perhaps.
I was going to rant about being lo-flow on energy but maybe I’m just preventing myself from doing work. I was also going to surmise that maybe I wasn’t going to the gym enough. But that’s its own excuse now isn’t it, all the reasons I can’t go to the gym. So now it’s high spirits that buoy me out of exhaustion and leave me yearning for tomorrow, which won’t come without sleep. How ironic.
Head: Document and Event Planning – Intense!
Heart: Elliptical – 25min, Strength Training – 5 to 10lbs
Tummy: Yogurt with homemade Dulce de Leche and blueberries, leftover homemade pizza, half bag of Ruffles, ramen with Roast Duck, eggplant, gai lan and more! A few bites of homemade Dulce de Leche ice cream
Vitals: Bad
Maybe the grass is truly greener on the other side, but how will I know until I’m actually over there?
This is the beginning of the end in finding what makes me happy, healthy and hysterical.
Head: Omnivore’s Dilemma – Michael Pollan, The Story of O – Pauline Réage
Heart: Elliptical – 20min, Strength Training – 5 to 10lbs
Tummy: Melon, Meat Sauce Ziti, Oreo Ice Cream Sandwich
Vitals: Fair
