I think yesterday was the first time I really let go in a session. Let out frustrations, got annoyed and maybe a little bit angry. There was a certain relief in doing so but at the same time I don’t know if I was just pushing what I want to do rather than listening to what she was saying. The curious thing was that she did give me advice, namely to stay away. I wasn’t quite expecting that. I thought maybe she’d probe why I want to go in one direction or another. I did explain it to her but I think more from the side of defensiveness.
It was good to get opposition from her though. It sort of lessened some of my recent concerns that she’s just going along with what I want, though that’s mostly out of concern that I also might not be explaining how bad things can get for me. Though I wonder if she was just applying common thoughts on the scenario rather than being open to other avenues. I also wonder if one method is within the style of her practice vs another.
I think I get the underlying tones of what she was saying – why put yourself in a position to be hurt? And that it seemed against the idea of self-support and invitation, which she clearly promotes and I’m not against. I’m struggling with the invitation. Invitation implies an openness and a natural wanting in my interpretation. Rather than pushing myself to do something I should want to do it. Seems totally fair right? But what if what I want is not within my grasp in that context. What else needs to change for a greater sense of invitation to occur? I get so caught up in worries and concerns that stem from my self-consciousness that I think that is usually how I get stopped. I de-invite myself. Discourage myself from participating.
So is this the root of all my evil? This tug and pull between thinking I’m better than everyone else and worse at the same time? The extremes of thought. Wildly swinging between ends doesn’t help the situation, but is that a symptom or part of the disease? I’m not sure yet.
So the goal right now seems to be something like inviting myself to care less about what other people think and more about what I think, what I want to do, what makes me happy but also to push myself to be neutral about other peoples words and actions. Maybe neutral isn’t the right word. I certainly have the right to feel happy and upset, but maybe just decide what someone’s actions really actually mean to me. How little or much they affect me and my life.
Part of that is just questioning less. Why do I distrust them so much? Fear of losing/abandonment? Fear of being vulnerable? Fear of…? What exactly?
I know myself. I know what’s wrong. I’m frustrated that the process seems as slow as it does. I want to push it further and faster.
So I’ve decided to:
1. Write more – I know I should be and she did suggest it, I just have to take it to heart more
2. Expect less from new friends – reinforced by J’s thoughts and somewhat surprised we find ourselves in similar-ish places 3. Go out when I want to go out – especially even if alone
4. Accept invitations _ stop being picky, just go and have fun
5. Be more vulnerable – make sure to apologize after fits and when I want to “talk” actually talk, try to stop trying to control it 6. Accept more fault – runs into 5
I was going to say this as the last one:
7. Love more openly and freely
But I think that’s an end goal in life. The ultimate end is to love myself and other people openly, freely and without regrets.
Filed under: Tasks
I’m bad about my homework, terrible sometimes. I procrastinate though I have all the intentions to get it done beforehand. And so it was kind of a bit of a relief to get into the session and hear feedback that I had hit on what she had expected with minimal effort.
Part of the concept of it was minimal effort, not to over think it. In the end, the main thing that just came up was this sense of better, everything, all things… and she felt that was the point. To really make it hit home that I’m not satisfied with anything and how exhausting and disappointing that must be. I’ve always known it, but I guess it was nice to hear in person.
Our conversation kind of teetered off into other directions. That I’ve needed perspective via other people who are “lower” than me to help me feel not at the bottom. She doesn’t think it’s wrong that I feel that way, it’s just that the end goal is not caring, not comparing. So we’ll see. Overall though I feel like I’m headed there. I’ve been feeling pretty good these days.
Filed under: Tasks
a warm mug to start the day
a heartfelt hug
photography
learning something new
a tasty meal out, solo or otherwise
touching nice materials
appreciating nature
smiling just because
a clean home
having people over
doing something nice for someone
yoga
a freshly made bed
finishing a book
getting lost in a project
conceiving a dish
exploring cities
a good nap
watching a good film
strolling
Side note:
I recently found a list of the things that make me happy and unhappy by guess who written a few years back… It’s taking a long time to get on track.
Filed under: Tasks
Make a list of what needs to be done to re-appropriate the feeling of sanctuary in your home.
There was a part of me that thought it was going to be solely object based. Getting rid of the things that carried reminders and memories. As I was collecting the last of these things, it hit me how much I regret tossing some of the things from my past that carried good sentiment. Nothing dramatically emotional, but was a snap shot of my past framing the good moments in life. I like the idea of having the option to look back and reminisce. To submerse myself in the warm waves of nostalgia from time to time. There’s no need to live in the past, but also no harm to enjoy the memories either.
After a fitful conversation with M about removing the big stuff, I was ready to just throw it away to clear my system and home of it. In the end, I couldn’t even really bring myself to imagine throwing it all away. So he came over and took it. He doesn’t hate me he said, he didn’t get it…
His words from the tear-filled cuddle-filled conversation invaded the crevices of my brain afterward and perhaps that could explain why I still didn’t feel like I had reclaimed my space. But what seemed to catapult me forward was having people over (even if it was self-invited). New people especially. I took care of them, we enjoyed ourselves, they adored my space, and my home was clean and (somewhat) de-cluttered. It was amazing feelings to the brim. Validation!
Suddenly it was my home, my choices, my space. All mine. So quickly. I’m sure it helped that his things weren’t there anymore, but still. Mine.
That feeling was a bit dampened when I had to approach my bedroom. Little has changed there and I think that I will get used to it eventually. Waking up and not hoping for someone to be there to cuddle. In the meantime I can try to refresh it. Maybe make it as complete as the rest of the space so that I at least don’t feel the need to completely close it off and pretend it doesn’t exist.
I’m getting there. Almost sanctuary at last.
Doubts always plague me. I figure that with her the check-in loses some relevance because she will not likely feel negatively towards me which is something I want to affirm as well. The reality is that right now it is more like a communication tool. I have issues with holding onto things and then exploding them past reality, perhaps this will help stop it from going to far.
We chatted more about my need for validation, one way or another. Then the concept of sanctuary come up. Where I currently feel comfortable in a specific restaurant and not at home. It could be partly stigmatised by his criticisms and his lack of support. The scenario between G, P and now B came up. She seemed to validate my feelings, that the pain I felt was fair. I think rage started to brew at the thought of this. His refusal to accept my pain. She said we’d talk about boundaries.
Perhaps this is coming out as more of a report because I’m not sure of my thoughts and feelings. She’ll be gone for the next couple of weeks and I fell apart and into old habits nearly right after the door was shut behind me. It’s not as bad as before and I’ve been attempting things like writing messages that never get sent to release the feelings. I’ve been very poor at distracting myself and my thoughts just immediately dwell.
He’s officially stopped responding. I need to rid myself of these petty distractions. For homework she asked me to make a list of what would make home a sanctuary again… She didn’t deny that moving might be what I need. Then she mentioned we’ll have to work on boundaries… What kind?
[Cat sess, task]
