I had the talk with M and interestingly enough a session the day after. Probably should have posted some thoughts after the talk but I don’t think the session really changed much of what I thought of it. If anything I sat there admitting and reinforcing things that I didn’t, and maybe should have, said with M.
His reaction was initially, why am I here? The days leading up to it I was wondering myself. I knew that I believe apologizing is the right thing to do, but I also knew it was likely far too late to make any kind of immediate impact on him and that it was more selfish than anything. I was hoping he’d be more sensitive and interested, but that was likely far too much to ask. I did end up getting frustrated because I wasn’t getting any feedback so I said a stream of stuff that I barely remember. But I don’t regret what I said. It was still my feelings, it had to do with his lack of respect nor perspective, and I didn’t expect much from him at all. I don’t feel I was attacking nor said anything untrue, maybe just truths he didn’t want to believe.
In the end, the most substantial stuff he said was that he felt I had even jeopardized our friendship let alone the possibility for a romantic reconciliation and that his friend said to him that he doesn’t have to decide anything. It’s true, he doesn’t and I told him that. I don’t even expect he’ll forgive me. So this is what my brain has settled on… over thinking these things he’s said. The main impression I did get from him was that he is unsure and confused in his own way. Puttering along doing what he wants without thinking too hard, as per usual.
At the end he softened and we had lots of hugs. He even kissed me on the neck. I know I will always be important to him. I know that I’ve made more than the recent negative impact on him. I know he will always be important to me. I also know I’m not in love, I’m in lonely.
I admitted in the session that I’m using him for practice. I still care more for him than many and sometimes any in my life. But I’ve also wondered if we really are meant to just be friends. He didn’t outright say it but he was wondering the same. Or I guess if it would be enough for him if that’s all it ever was. I think his contradicting words say a lot about how unsure he is. I’ll admit a part of me still wants him to want me.
The session was full of words that I hope I can fulfil. Being more humble, not being defensive, being less selfish, listening more, and maybe other things I don’t recall exactly. She said she could see it in me, that I meant it more. That I had done a lot of work. I hope she’s right. There’s still a long way to go but I think I’m taking bigger steps.
Flip the switch he says… maybe it’s a dimmer for me. Maybe it isn’t.
I think yesterday was the first time I really let go in a session. Let out frustrations, got annoyed and maybe a little bit angry. There was a certain relief in doing so but at the same time I don’t know if I was just pushing what I want to do rather than listening to what she was saying. The curious thing was that she did give me advice, namely to stay away. I wasn’t quite expecting that. I thought maybe she’d probe why I want to go in one direction or another. I did explain it to her but I think more from the side of defensiveness.
It was good to get opposition from her though. It sort of lessened some of my recent concerns that she’s just going along with what I want, though that’s mostly out of concern that I also might not be explaining how bad things can get for me. Though I wonder if she was just applying common thoughts on the scenario rather than being open to other avenues. I also wonder if one method is within the style of her practice vs another.
I think I get the underlying tones of what she was saying – why put yourself in a position to be hurt? And that it seemed against the idea of self-support and invitation, which she clearly promotes and I’m not against. I’m struggling with the invitation. Invitation implies an openness and a natural wanting in my interpretation. Rather than pushing myself to do something I should want to do it. Seems totally fair right? But what if what I want is not within my grasp in that context. What else needs to change for a greater sense of invitation to occur? I get so caught up in worries and concerns that stem from my self-consciousness that I think that is usually how I get stopped. I de-invite myself. Discourage myself from participating.
So is this the root of all my evil? This tug and pull between thinking I’m better than everyone else and worse at the same time? The extremes of thought. Wildly swinging between ends doesn’t help the situation, but is that a symptom or part of the disease? I’m not sure yet.
So the goal right now seems to be something like inviting myself to care less about what other people think and more about what I think, what I want to do, what makes me happy but also to push myself to be neutral about other peoples words and actions. Maybe neutral isn’t the right word. I certainly have the right to feel happy and upset, but maybe just decide what someone’s actions really actually mean to me. How little or much they affect me and my life.
Part of that is just questioning less. Why do I distrust them so much? Fear of losing/abandonment? Fear of being vulnerable? Fear of…? What exactly?
I know myself. I know what’s wrong. I’m frustrated that the process seems as slow as it does. I want to push it further and faster.
So I’ve decided to:
1. Write more – I know I should be and she did suggest it, I just have to take it to heart more
2. Expect less from new friends – reinforced by J’s thoughts and somewhat surprised we find ourselves in similar-ish places 3. Go out when I want to go out – especially even if alone
4. Accept invitations _ stop being picky, just go and have fun
5. Be more vulnerable – make sure to apologize after fits and when I want to “talk” actually talk, try to stop trying to control it 6. Accept more fault – runs into 5
I was going to say this as the last one:
7. Love more openly and freely
But I think that’s an end goal in life. The ultimate end is to love myself and other people openly, freely and without regrets.
After reviewing the previous weeks task, last session ended up being about how good I felt. She said it was obvious there have been some changes, some progress, just in how I was responding to her. The frequency with which she could see light in me.
In some senses it was a wasted session, nothing in particular was looked at and in some senses it wasn’t. It was a good celebration of where I am now. Even if small, there has been progress.
I am not as angry as I used to be. I’m still allowed to be angry and frustrated but overall those feelings are much less than before. I don’t feel the need to indulge in them. I do still feel sad and disappointed though and I wonder if that has risen up in response to the lessening of the other feelings. I think that my angry moments had their beginnings in these other emotions and now I’m just trying to focus on the basis, the roots.
So what is the base? Expectations are a big part of it. I know it’s not good to have them, but is there not a minimum level of acceptable behaviour? Does that minimum level not change with respect to the type of relationship? Or not? I think that sometimes I take it to another extreme though, where I expect that if I invest something into someone that they will invest back. Not so.
I need to be on a plane where I can be happy doing the things I do, period. Where I “invest” (maybe the issue is even with this word, it implies expectations of returns) into people. Not treat them flippantly, but maybe put my heart and soul into my enjoyment rather than theirs.
Seek less approval. How does one keep that in check?
Filed under: Sessions
I feel good today!
They liked my lantern light idea, M wants to loves me, they want me to take photos, I think I’m giving out decent advice… And most importantly, the sessions that I feel at times are going nowhere are going somewhere. I’m trying to push myself to do the things I cannot seem to do. They’re not difficult, but they do need to get done. It’s good.
I feel more like me. I feel like I can accept more joy. I still feel alone, but I know I have to get used to it. One day, I will be met.
Homework was about expectations for myself. Don’t over think it.
Filed under: Sessions
It’s felt stagnant and at times backwards. I know that part of the problem is the infrequency, but at the same time I don’t feel like there is direction. Jumping from one thing to the next, squeezing out every second of time, distracting myself from what’s important… I’ve gone off track.
I’m also not sure what she’s offering anymore. I repeat myself a lot, her connections aren’t all that revolutionary… She could really try to tie things together more. Maybe gestalt isn’t for me, maybe I should check-in and tell her what I’m seeing… Really the latter makes the most sense.
So we refocused. Went back to me and my beginnings. How I wasn’t supported as a child. Lots of silly visualizations (maybe I need to let myself go and really feel these). I think that for the most part it’s true. I had to take care of myself. I don’t see how this is drastically different from other people though… I guess I’m thinking of M specifically. Maybe everyone else felt cared for.
The homework was to honour myself and bring in a photo… We’ll see if this is too airy fairy for me.
