Nektir

I was hoping not to use this space to release all the little things I feel/think at every moment, but since I feel the need to put things out there and this just isn’t worth sharing/implanting into other people… what better place than here.

She blocked me. As I had suspected.

I could go on and on about how this must be an admission of guilt. How not being able to acknowledge me with a simple response in the negative (or a response at all!) obviously shows she has a reason to hide. Maybe she couldn’t stand being pestered by an “ex”. Maybe she couldn’t stand to be pestered by me, plain and simple. I might have let out too much information about her that I wasn’t supposed to know. She may have felt like I had betrayed a trust that she never granted. We may have also had little in common. So we are mutually not friends (regardless if I feel betrayed, rightfully or not). The why, the how, the when… unimportant. We never really were great friends anyway, so what does it matter? None. At the sacrifice… of something… I understand our relationship better, it’s merely forced through our relationships with others.

Now, to try not to agonize over how I will act around her if/when we meet again. I know I’ll naturally fall into being cordial, so that is what it will be. I certainly don’t have to be helpful, caring or interested.

How juvenile! On the part of everyone.

ps. I think I just finally got to see how much I have drained him. There clearly is resentment, how ever little, below the shiny facade he has given me. But the mask slipped today because I initiated and I felt the lack of love. I don’t blame him, I’m surprised he’s let it go on this long.  I feel bad and I think the best way is to leave him be. He clearly doesn’t need me and I’m clearly part of his past. Whether it’s pity or true care that makes him carry on… I’ll always struggle with choosing an answer. But, by all emotional reason, you cannot put yourself through such things without love. And if I loved him, I would let him go. As he has done with me. So I will. Goodbye.

pps. While I always knew that she was a better friend with him than I, it should have really occurred to me at that point that she really wasn’t my friend to have made that choice, that decision.