Nektir

Action:

Not going to party.

Feelings:

Anxiety, stress, loneliness, fear, nervous

Thoughts:

I don’t want to go.

I can rub my eye to make it uncomfortable and not go, have an excuse.

Sleep is better.

I’m cancelling again.

People won’t like me for skipping.

I’m going to feel alone in a group of people.

Action: seeing him pass by in his car smiling and talking

Feelings: sadness, anger, frustration at other feelings, despair

Thoughts:
he’s driving her when he’d make me walk
he’s happy
he’s done everything to make her life easier, better
what did he do for me?
he doesn’t care
why should he care?
I want to tell him I hate him
I want him to feel hurt and pain, the way I feel pain

i was doing ok, i was controlling the urge to be angry at him. i think it’s about the lack of respect for small things like the jars, but it’s bigger than that. these jars are just a subset of his belongings, the smoker, the everything else. i was with him through so much, i helped build him up to where he is, get him his bought happiness. i will never get credit.

i feel like I’ll always be angry at him. there’s so little to feel positive about. I can’t stop being angry until i forgive or i don’t care. i don’t know if i could ever forgive someone who can’t see at all how wrong they are. so all i can do is stop caring. cut it all out. so that’s it, no more ksr. just block it off.

find happiness within yourself, then none of it will matter. Follow through with your plans.

J told me I was pathetic.

Had my first one night something or other.

Still frustrated by M.

While I know that it’s still ridiculous that I feel these things, I’m just going to feel them. I just need to let them not take over. Not let them leave me to do ridiculous things in response. Move past because it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to discuss it. But I feel it and that’s part of me, who I am.

Right now I just see how much of this life I felt I had created with him is now being shared and given to someone else. It hurts, but the reality is that it is his life. His life. I would do the same with mine. Integrate someone into it. Nothing is sacred. Love and life are fickle. I put so much of my heart, so much of my love, money and time into something and it didn’t work out. Such is life. I can choose to do it or not later. But I should choose not to waste any more time on it. It has happened, it may happen again. He doesn’t care, there’s no reason why I should either.

As for the random. It was fun. I went as far as I was comfortable with, I could have probably gone further. But considering it has turned out definitely as a one nighter, I’m glad I didn’t. I might question myself more. Baby steps. It was only the first one. I certainly feel good enough about it to do it again. I’m just disappointed that I asked for no games and got a bit of a game. I don’t get it. Is it just innate? Or did he feel I gamed him a bit? I think it just is what it will be probably.

I feel better. I spent some time on it. I vented. I’ll be fine.

I had a conversation with I about the previous evenings goings on. He said a lot of things he had said before, but I think what’s sitting with me most is desperate. That someone told him he was coming off as desperate and maybe in my desire to be different, I’m also coming off as desperate.

So all I can think of now, is that I just need to be me. I don’t need to be someone else. Just me. I am only going to become a better me but I don’t need to be anyone else but me. I don’t need to try harder, I just need to be happier with me. Nothing else is genuine.