Filed under: Head
J told me I was pathetic.
Had my first one night something or other.
Still frustrated by M.
While I know that it’s still ridiculous that I feel these things, I’m just going to feel them. I just need to let them not take over. Not let them leave me to do ridiculous things in response. Move past because it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to discuss it. But I feel it and that’s part of me, who I am.
Right now I just see how much of this life I felt I had created with him is now being shared and given to someone else. It hurts, but the reality is that it is his life. His life. I would do the same with mine. Integrate someone into it. Nothing is sacred. Love and life are fickle. I put so much of my heart, so much of my love, money and time into something and it didn’t work out. Such is life. I can choose to do it or not later. But I should choose not to waste any more time on it. It has happened, it may happen again. He doesn’t care, there’s no reason why I should either.
As for the random. It was fun. I went as far as I was comfortable with, I could have probably gone further. But considering it has turned out definitely as a one nighter, I’m glad I didn’t. I might question myself more. Baby steps. It was only the first one. I certainly feel good enough about it to do it again. I’m just disappointed that I asked for no games and got a bit of a game. I don’t get it. Is it just innate? Or did he feel I gamed him a bit? I think it just is what it will be probably.
I feel better. I spent some time on it. I vented. I’ll be fine.
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