Nektir

last night was deliriously wonderful for me. after days of things just simply being annoying and feeling as though i have to prove myself… some things just perfectly clicked.

my internet provider had to admit they were wrong, i found a cheaper way to use and abuse their services with nicer customer service no less (how can you complain about unnecessary praise?), work is slowly flowing but i’m getting more comfortable (even though it is admittedly late in the game) and i’ve got a new plan that should let me take it easy after a few things fall into place, dinner was fantastic and completely above and beyond my expectations, my art showed up without incident and they are by far the best quality prints i have received. it’s all on the up and up and all of these things combined together renew my spirit. in some ways i hate that it is fairly materialistic that these things are what drives me to be happier… but they do.

i am working on and trying to keep my inspiration in writing going. but it is difficult. i don’t find the words flowing as easily nor the impetus to write the way i used to. i’m hoping to take a more relaxed view at this blog as a means to stimulate myself. less pressure means more writing perhaps? i often think i just put too much pressure on myself without and real understanding as to if it makes sense to. so on that note i also feel that i should spend more time looking inwards to understand.

i used to spend so much time considering other people and what makes them tick and that in turn helped me to reconsider what i was doing and why i was doing it. sometimes you find the people that irritate you the most reflect the qualities in yourself you like the least.

part of this self-evaluation stems from the fact that i don’t feel the way i expected to in my current romantic relationship and in some ways with all of my relationships. passing a marker of time in my life also is sending me into the cliche spiral of finding meaning and near middle-life crisis type thoughts (though i am far from finding myself a significantly younger boyfriend or buying some type of fancy sportscar). in the end i just want to be useful. i want to make an impact but in a way that i feel contributes to society, one that isn’t simply just for self-advancement. perhaps trying to be altruistic is really a function of wanting to not appear as selfish… is attempting to improve oneself a selfish act or is it a noble one as it allows you to participate in society as a healthier being? as one that can affect positive change in others?

i fundamentally believe that people are selfish. i think that we struggle to be less selfish and more cognizant of how our actions effect people around us. i only really believe that basis that we are all selfish because it is easier and more natural to simply choose what you want. it takes a significant amount of effort to ensure that those around you, whether they are immediately in your vicinity or associated with your life or those who are miles away that may only feel the effects of your doings years and years later, perhaps even after your existence. but the thing is, i also believe that we all crave contact and understanding. that we really just want to commune with each other but our varieties of personalities can sometimes make it difficult as do the metaphorical walls we put up. that’s why i really truly love and have faith in the idea of passing it forward. giving people that moment where they can feel throughout themselves that someone cares about them, regardless of who or why or whatever, sends out a spirit warming message that you are not only. the only thing i can think of that we all fear is simply being alone… and i highly doubt that anyone can really defy that. at our core we want love.

now i’m just rambling on and on about concepts that i’ve tried my best to espouse to many people though to be honest, sometimes i don’t think i remind myself enough about them. perhaps the reminders of past thoughts and concepts isn’t a bad thing. we should always be open to and not feel as if we have to either… change. life is a series of experiences that mold us as we move along.

Head: Writing and my plans to take over the world.

Heart: Whirlyball and laser tag.  Only once and so virtually none.

Tummy: All kinds of fatty delicious protein often used as the cleaning organs of an animals body. Certainly and definitely not healthy.

Vitals: Poor, but optimistic.