Nektir

i was doing ok, i was controlling the urge to be angry at him. i think it’s about the lack of respect for small things like the jars, but it’s bigger than that. these jars are just a subset of his belongings, the smoker, the everything else. i was with him through so much, i helped build him up to where he is, get him his bought happiness. i will never get credit.

i feel like I’ll always be angry at him. there’s so little to feel positive about. I can’t stop being angry until i forgive or i don’t care. i don’t know if i could ever forgive someone who can’t see at all how wrong they are. so all i can do is stop caring. cut it all out. so that’s it, no more ksr. just block it off.

find happiness within yourself, then none of it will matter. Follow through with your plans.

J told me I was pathetic.

Had my first one night something or other.

Still frustrated by M.

While I know that it’s still ridiculous that I feel these things, I’m just going to feel them. I just need to let them not take over. Not let them leave me to do ridiculous things in response. Move past because it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to discuss it. But I feel it and that’s part of me, who I am.

Right now I just see how much of this life I felt I had created with him is now being shared and given to someone else. It hurts, but the reality is that it is his life. His life. I would do the same with mine. Integrate someone into it. Nothing is sacred. Love and life are fickle. I put so much of my heart, so much of my love, money and time into something and it didn’t work out. Such is life. I can choose to do it or not later. But I should choose not to waste any more time on it. It has happened, it may happen again. He doesn’t care, there’s no reason why I should either.

As for the random. It was fun. I went as far as I was comfortable with, I could have probably gone further. But considering it has turned out definitely as a one nighter, I’m glad I didn’t. I might question myself more. Baby steps. It was only the first one. I certainly feel good enough about it to do it again. I’m just disappointed that I asked for no games and got a bit of a game. I don’t get it. Is it just innate? Or did he feel I gamed him a bit? I think it just is what it will be probably.

I feel better. I spent some time on it. I vented. I’ll be fine.

I had a conversation with I about the previous evenings goings on. He said a lot of things he had said before, but I think what’s sitting with me most is desperate. That someone told him he was coming off as desperate and maybe in my desire to be different, I’m also coming off as desperate.

So all I can think of now, is that I just need to be me. I don’t need to be someone else. Just me. I am only going to become a better me but I don’t need to be anyone else but me. I don’t need to try harder, I just need to be happier with me. Nothing else is genuine.

I went out for the first time in a long time to see a bunch of people that I knew and a bunch of people that I did not. It was interesting.

First off, I socialized with the ones that I knew the way I expected to. I can see that I stumped things a little when I should have had something to share (trip) but really didn’t divulge much. I write off my own experienece as uninteresting which makes it so. I think I should go back and diary my experience and seek out the stories that I like, the ones that I’d want to hear about them and celebrate them. I also don’t bring up things, things that might interest them or ask them about things beyond their general realm.

With new people, perhaps I need to approach more. There was an interesting attempt where it seemed like they were interested but they were physically moving away and even said “I don’t know what to say”… I’m not entirely sure what I had said besides about solar cells cost. It might have been too serious for what he was looking for but I kept trying to ask him what he does to try to find a connection to his thoughts.

….

He came out last minute to the dinner and I don’t know how to start being civil I realize, civil is different than friendly. It eased in fine enough, but we didn’t engage each other.

He clearly was obsessed with his phone. I kept thinking he was messaging her. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. I had to remind myself that it didn’t matter what it was and that he was always like this regardless.

I think one thing that hurt was how normal he was with me. How much he didn’t try to engage me or have interest in what I was saying or doing or anything. But I know that just feeds into my need to feel important, special, validated. I still feel the desire to rage at him, but I know it won’t bring me anything that I really want. I know that I don’t want him. I just have a hard time thinking that he’s changed and become better, that I got the problems. That he’s doing so well. But I can and could and will be too. I know it.

I keep thinking in my head that he lied to me, but really it was just a representation of how he felt at the time. Things change. Love is fickle.

What gets me is that he left early to go to his sister’s birthday. Fine, but for the first time in a couple years I wondered what she was doing for her birthday. What they were doing, how they would react to the new girl if the new girl would be there. Why do I care? What does this matter to me? It didn’t matter for two years and now it matters again somehow. I don’t get it. I don’t get what is wrong with my brain.

I think I just need to feel more confident. More secure. More like I’m accomplishing things. I just need to do, to embrace. I need to get out.

I think I loved him for how he looked at me, and I became addicted to that. I’m angry at the withdrawal.